Life as a Yowler

It is with such a heavy heart that I am writing this blog(with permission by the way). The very last thing I want to do, is be insensitive. I tend to process through things by writing or talking. This is going to be real and this is going to be raw. Also, I don’t want to come across like “I’m going through a hard time” or “this is about me” or “I can totally understand” because honestly, I don’t and words are escaping me.

There are some friendships that go all the way back to childhood. I value each and every one of those. One of my childhood friends is Emily Badgerow. Our families go way back and we have a lot of history together.

I received the devastating news a few weeks ago that Emily lost a SECOND baby during delivery. She had a second stillborn daughter. She’s lost 3 babies total. She lost Eliora during labor at 38 weeks. Next, she had a miscarriage right around the 15 week mark. They were so excited to finally get pregnant again and carried their sweet little November(Nova) all the way to 37 weeks, where the baby died during delivery again. November had a strong heartbeat earlier that day, at an appointment. Then somewhere between the doctor appointment and Emily going into labor, her heartbeat was gone. Just gone. I don’t know the medical reason. No one does. But honestly who cares? Nothing can bring these babies back. They’re gone.

When I found this out, from Emily’s husband, I wanted to scream. God, why in the world? Why would you give them these babies and just take them away? How much can one family handle? How much can my friend handle emotionally? Where is Your plan in all of this? How can this be Your will? I barely slept all night, that first night, just processing and questioning and battling. The next  morning I felt a strong(I don’t want to use the word peace because honestly, I still don’t have peace about it, but just a strong sense of surrender and peace in that surrender). I felt overwhelmingly calm in the fact that God is in control. No matter my questions, or anyone’s questions He’s in control and he’s sovereign.

Eliora, Zion, and November were not given to the Badgerow’s for nothing. Their lives have SO much value. They are important and they mattered. In the same way I value my  children, I value these children. They are all children, created in the image of God. I will never forget them or stop taking about them just because they aren’t here to see every day. I will never understand why they couldn’t be born alive. Emily and Ryan are amazing parents to their little girl, Harmony. I will never understand the emotional roller coaster that this family has been on the last four years. I don’t want to say this is His will. I don’t believe God wanted this devastation to happen. I believe God can use broken and heartbreaking situations for good. That doesn’t mean this is His will for these babies or parents. Good coming out of situation, does not make it any less terrible or heartbreaking. God is near to the broken hearted. I am clinging to that truth right now for this sweet family. God is also a God of compassion and He’s really the only one who can comfort and hold this family right now.

I cant even BEGIN to understand what this family is going through. I don’t even really have words. And quite honestly, I’m terrible in situations like this. I don’t know what to say, and I can tend to just avoid.

I’ve walked with Emily through loss before. She has thanked me for remembering her children. She loves when I ask questions about them. She loves when I tell her I’m thinking of her baby. She tells me she doesn’t want anyone to forget. She doesn’t want her friends to just avoid the topic because it is tough. Forgetting would really be the worst offense. It’s hard to think that other’s lives around her just move on. It’s hard when no one remembers that first birthday or holidays or big events.  It’s hard when there are babies born all around, and she can’t help but think of the baby she should be holding. It’s hard when so many things can be triggers. I will always be a listening ear and an advocate for these kids.

I have never walked through the loss of a child and I am so far from an expert. But I have enough compassion and I’ve talked to enough other people to know that grief has no timeline.  There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Each person processes and grieves differently. Each person has a different journey of healing. Parents never get over the death of a child. They learn to live with it, but child-loss is an experience that changes parents lives’ forever. Parents move forward, but they don’t move on. In the words of Ryan, Emily’s husband, “There are indeed no words, but God’s word.”

I have watched Emily and Ryan handle loss with amazing character, attitude, and Godliness. Their faith has been an inspiration to so many people. Where I want to scream and run away, they have been amazingly calm. Of course they are heartbroken, but they are some of the strongest people I know. They haven’t been given a choice and that really devastates me for them. Just when they proved they can handle even death with maturity, here they are faced with it again. I will never understand why. I will also never forget. I will always listen. I will always advocate. I will pray without ceasing.

This week is a very tough week for the family as they are preparing for November’s funeral. My heart, thoughts, and prayers are with them. While I feel at a loss of what to do, I know that I serve a big God. Even when I question and don’t understand heartache, I know He is good. I know He is able. I know He is near the broken-hearted.